CrazyBeautiful

I don't understand this "life" thing or this "emotions" thing or this "depression" thing. You know what I know? I know that I'm SAD. AGAIN.

Golly Gee Whilikers and for crying out loud, isn't this the 5th or 6th incident I've had in 5 months? Even after the springtime has sprung? And my dosage of meds has been upped?

Why yes. Yes it is.

Yes. I thought so.

Also: Damn.

Okay, I know y'all are just gung-dang TAAAAAAARD of hearing me be all whiney and like, "I cried today! I feel sad! Boo hoo! I'm all SICK and everything! And also, I want a cookie," but with this blogity-blog blog you get the truth, and today the truth is that I feel sad for the freaking umpteenth time in not-so-many months.

Fuck.

Also, I've been quite the potty mouth lately. My husband may have to wash my mouth out with soap. But I think swearing is funny and so it gives ME a moment of true ha-ha-ness in the midst of my grabbing for more tissues.

This may not even be the "sick" depression talking. It could be the "normal life version because life isn't always peachy" depression. It could be the blues. It could be an adverse reaction to this suddent bout of sunshine we're having. Or it could be because I was never breast fed.

Gah.

And also: Gah.

(Amalah, I know I've TOTALLY STOLEN the "And also (colon)" phrase from you, but it's because I like it, and isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery? Also, please don't sue me because I got you a baby gift and everything. And also, are you really going to get all angry on a girl who is struggling with a moderately unsettling bout of sadness? Also, you're pretty.)

(And also? You have way more readers than me. So that should justify my theft. I mean flattery.)

So here is the deal: the deal is, people, that I am sad, and not for any particular reason, but I do suspect there's a bit of stress behind it. Or percieved stress. I think I percieve more stress than there actually is. My eyes are totally bigger than my stress receptors. Or something.

So I'm going to pare down, relax, figure out a few ways to make my life less stressful not only in the here and now, but also in the there and then. Next week. Next month. Yada, yada. And also: Yada.

Lastly, why, why, why are there TEN BEEZILLION BOOKS out there about pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy and what to feed your baby in the first 11 days and when you should buy your toddler a tricycle and what colour it should be but there are VERY, VERY few books that discuss things like, "Do I want to have a baby?" "How many children do I want?" "If I don't like my kid can I send him (or her) back?" "When should my husband and I begin a family?" and "How do we know when the time is right to have kids?" I know I might be overanalyzing things just a bit here, but even though I'm 99% sure I want kid or kids, I think it would be really nice to hear from people who have had the same sort of questions. And what about books titled things like "Why Having a Baby is a REALLY GREAT THING" and stuff like that for those of us who have only heard HORROR STORIES about cabbage boobs and urinary tract infections and never ever ever ever ever ever sleeping through the night until your child's child is in college, and even THEN it won't be every night.

Here's an idea. All y'all parents out there? Stop telling us the bad stuff. Here's a hint: WE'LL FIND THAT OUT. But, if you keep telling us (me) the bad stuff and not the good, I reckon I may never get to the good myself.

Where was I? Copying Amalah and saying "fuck"? I'm down with that.

Comments

[Mir]

Okay, how about this: the army has NOTHING on parenthood (toughest job you'll ever love). The lows are lower, but the highs are ever so much higher than anything else.

And when you sign up, you sign up for keeps. So... I think your wondering, and indecision, is the VERY BEST THING you could possibly be doing. Honestly. Motherhood will turn your every assumption on its ear, so you'd better be all buckled in for the ride.

Do you read Kira? She is my absolutely favorite for poignant capturing of why it's all worth it.

[Randi]

I have two children, a boy and a girl, both are devil/angel/devils (yes, you read that right...I put devil first because we're in the "I'm not going to listen to you" phase right now.) I came to your blog from Mir's because when it comes to depression, I know what you're talking about. I have PCOS which causes hormone fluxuations that drive me from calm, collected mother of two, to depressed or pissed off, wishing I was single again or at least had some time off, person.

I have a SIL who has decided to never have children for a medical reason (she's a snob too), and I can understand her reasoning for not having children. I also have a pair of friends who go back and forth on if they want children. The woman's just reaching thirty. I support either, it's an individual decision, but consider this. I can't imagine what life would be like growing old without having children there. Being old and lonely in a nursing home, with no children to celebrate the holidays or every day with.

[david]

i'm with you, Randi. Thanks Mir and Randy for these words.

[mc]

Shiz, I keep thinking that maybe I oughta write that book... I looked for it, too, and was frustrated that I couldn't find it -- felt like such an intellectual egghead for spending so much time pondering whether we should do the kid thing. Right now, we're going with the "what the hell" approach and seeing what happens. Anyway, I'm soooo happy to find another person who doesn't find those thoughts odd...

[Jenny]

Having kids takes normal everything and magnifies it. I laugh more, cry more, FEEL more.

My kids are like exchange students, struggling with the language barrier, eager to please one day, homesick for their native land (or planet, heh) the next. At the same time, they are shockingly familiar. My faults, my husband's expressions, my mother's sense of humor, my MIL's smile...all mirrored in my children.

I have often claimed that I couldn't have made the choice to 'start trying' because I wasn't sure that I wanted to go there. When I got that first positive test, I was shocked, happy, sad, fuh-reaked out. I've been blessed with three surprise kids. Surprises in that they weren't planned. Surprises in the way they move me. Surprises in the way I've changed.

I loathed being told that a mother had to be selfless, a creature who lived only for her children. I feared having to always put the needs of another person in front of my self. I didn't think I had the stamina, or the desire.

But from the moment I felt my first child move inside me, things changed. Motherhood has expanded my range, brought deeper meaning to my actions. That's not to say that people without children don't experience that depth. I just know that I was as deep as a teaspoon before.

I've got like a tablespoon or some shit now. Heh.

Anyway, when parents share these horror stories of diaper disasters and mastitis and sleepless nights, I imagine it would be off-putting, to say the least. The thing is, though, in my experience, these tales of woe are generally told from a humorous, you'll-never-believe-what-I'm-going-through angle, not a holy-sheetski-I'm-unable-to-cope angle.

While I was pregnant, I read so many of these eyes-wide-open accounts of mothering in the trenches and thought "Suckahs. I'm so not going to do that."

Later, when I was struggling through similar situations, I flashed back on those candid stories that I had dismissed as sensationalism and thought "Thank GOD I know that other people have done this."

In summary (hah!) I will tell you that there is nothing more restful than watching your child slumber in your arms, nothing more wonderful than seeing their face light up when they catch your eye, and nothing more challenging than trying out how to stay one step ahead of them. It's powerful and mystical and disgusting and utterly wonderful.

It just is.

[Will]

Wow Jenny. All I can say is "I second the motion". From the Dad side too.

So much good feedback here. This is my first read from your site. I found you from a comment you left over to Mary Muses.

My take on it is this: It's been my experience that with many of lifes big decisions---choosing a college, getting married, having kids---that the people who worry the most, generally tend to be the ones that are going to do a wonderful job with it.

That seems to be because they worry because it's so important to them to be done right. And when you start off like that, with focus and concern, good things seem to naturally follow.

You read Dooce. Go re-read the monthly entries to her daughter. Those seem to capture the wonderful beautiful mix. She was unsure at first too, she writes, even though they were trying. She didn't know just how much it would enrich her life.

After you become a parent and re-read it, it'll mean that much more because you'll be saying "yes, that's it". I do.

All 4 of my kids were suprises. And I wept every time I found out a new one was coming because I wanted so much for them and didn't feel like I would be up to the task. But it's been good, and I would feel robbed if even just one of them had decided not to show up.

Feel free to read my blog too if you want to get a pro-parent take on life. I love being a dad and husband more than anything else.

I'm at cyberjazzdaddy.blogspot.com

Much good wishes and kind thoughts to you as you work this out.

[Vics]

I too have surfed in via Mir..
I don't have kids.
When I was a bit younger I became one of those 'evil' women who had the burgeoning life whipped out as soon as I could.

Yes, part of me regrets that and feels that now I don't deserve the full experience. Another part of me is terrified of going through with it if it ever happens to me again because those few weeks were the most physically hellish I'd ever encounterd (the morning noon and night sickness nearly killed me!)

But at the end of the day I think it comes down to who you are with when it happens.
You'll never know how good or bad it will be.

From everything I've read on the subject the conclusion I've come to is that the only assurance you have is that every day you will learn something new and find that somehow you are coping with things you'd never even thought of before without cringing.

I think these days the thing that scares me the most about having kids is the thought of having to do it alone like my mum did.
That's part of why I keep coming back to Mir and others like her, they can be going crazy with all the crap that's happening to them - but they're still all for having kids.
That kinda makes me think that when my time comes - alone or not, this time I should see it all the way through.